August 2025. While staying at the Radisson Collection Astorija in Vilnius in Lithuania, we want to order something from the breakfast menu. But the table next to us, populated by a ‘very present’ group of eight or ten people gets priority. They’re treated as being important.
Not once do they get priority, not twice, but multiple times. We try to grab the waiter’s attention, but to no avail. It’s so bad, Timothy gets up and goes ask the waiter if we can order something, or is the other table the only one that matters. It’s not the first time we’ve experienced this. It made us think… are we invisible?
There’s our theme for our now traditional New Year’s Letter.
Belgrade, 2017
In 2017 we toured parts of Eastern Europe and the Balkan region. In Serbia, we stayed at the Crown Plaza Belgrade, in Novi Beograd. There weren’t ignored in the strict sense of the word, we were treated as quantité négligable, negligible quantity.
As we booked a club room, we had access to the Club lounge, a wonderful spacious area on the first floor at the opposite end of the building from the pool area. It had beautiful wraparound windows from floor to ceiling giving some excellent views of the surroundings.
The lounge also boasted a number of different seating options and styles. The food area was also clean and had a large surface to offer all sorts of food. The breakfast we had there was outstanding with a very big offering (for a Crowne Plaza lounge).
However both evenings we were not allowed to enter the club lounge despite out club reservations as it was rented out to an external company having a private event in the lounge.
Upon check-in we were not informed about this by the check-in desk (because they probably where not aware of it either), neither was there a letter informing us about this in our room or an email send to us explaining it and informing us about the alternative arrangement beforehand (Something which was handled much better at Radisson Blu Sofia).
As we approached the lounge in the evening to have something to drink and eat after a busy day walking around Belgrade, we were prohibited from entering the lounge by one of the hotel managers citing “it is rented out to an important customer” and pointing us to an area in the corridor on the ground floor where they set up a make-shift replacement buffet.
Even though the food and drinks where excellent and the club lounge manager tried to make up for the inconvenience in the best way she could (she definitely was one of the best staff members the hotel had, she really deserves praise for all the work she did cleaning up the mess left behind by upper management) we still felt insulted by the manager making us feel as we did not count as customers.
Montreux, 2018
On tour in France, Italy and Switzerland in September 2018, Danny stayed at Golf Hôtel René Capt Montreux.
Breakfast was an issue.
The first morning only two members of staff where working the breakfast room and they were clearly overworked, not one time did they come up to me and ask whether I wanted some coffee or tea to drink instead opting to completely ignore me, luckily on the second morning there were four members of staff working the breakfast room and I was friendly welcomed an offered a hot drink. This is a clear example which shows that staffing levels can give a guest a positive or negative experience in a hotel.
Singapore Airlines, 2020
Our Singapore Airlines flight from Sydney in Australia to Singapore in February 2020 – yes just before the pandemic – was a big disappointment. We felt ignored, the crew was very distant, we had to insist to get refreshments and had to make up our ‘beds’ ourselves.
A far cry from the reputation Singapore Airlines has or had regarding service.
London, 2022
In 2018 Timothy stayed at the InterContinental London – The O2 and had an absolutely fantastic experience. As Danny was looking for a nice place to stay to celebrate his boyfriend’s birthday, Timothy immediately recommended the hotel for us to stay at. Combined with my experiences at other InterContinental hotels Danny expected to be in for a treat.
But no.
The Canadian, 2023
In May and June 2023, Sam, Danny, Danny’s parents, and Timothy travelled across Canada. Highlight was, or was supposed to be the four-day trek from Toronto to Vancouver on The Canadian. This long train journey vacillates between being a ‘regular’ commuter train and a tourist attraction.
The Canadian features a dome car, which is also the place for some talks, and drinks and canapés. But, Timothy wrote:
At one point the attendant came with wine… but not for us. She looked at us, started on the other side and was out of glasses when she got to us. When she returned with a full trey, she started downstairs and gave others seconds. We had to ask the canapé provider, Flo(rent), for Jeanette to come with a glass of wine for us. Surely, it wasn’t on purpose she ignored us, but it actually felt that way.
Wasn’t it on purpose? Much later, we doubt it.
Why can you be ignored by waiters?
Those were only a few anecdotes. It happens more often to us. And yes, we’re male and white. So it’s not racism, as people of colour can experience. Perhaps, we’re too ‘bland’, too ‘grey’, and not loud enough.
People often feel ignored by waiters or crew, especially when dining alone (but not only then), and the reasons behind this are more complex than simple rudeness.
Restaurant service is shaped by stress, multitasking, unconscious biases and a constant need for servers to make fast judgements about where to place their limited attention.
When someone sits alone or quietly, it is easy to assume they need less service than a lively group, and this assumption is strengthened by the way many restaurants are designed to prioritise high-value or high-visibility tables.
Low-key guests fall through the cracks
Servers often operate under considerable mental pressure, balancing multiple tasks and reading subtle customer signals. In such an environment, they rely heavily on heuristics: quick mental shortcuts that help them decide who needs help most urgently.
Unfortunately, these shortcuts can make solo diners or low-key guests fall through the cracks.
A major part of this comes from biases and assumptions that waiters make without necessarily noticing they are doing so. Staff commonly make snap judgements based on how someone dresses, behaves or presents themselves. If a diner appears relaxed, introverted or self-contained, the server may assume they do not require much attention.
Someone dressed casually or not signalling actively may be unconsciously labelled as a low spender. Solo diners are often assumed to be quick, low-interaction, lower-bill customers. These assumptions are rarely intentional, but they influence the rhythm of service.
There is also a strong ‘regulars’ bias (the “important customer” in our Belgrade anecdote): familiar faces are easier to serve, feel emotionally safer and often tip well, so servers naturally gravitate towards them.
On top of that, the perceived ‘high-spender’ effect means that groups, especially those ordering drinks, are seen as more lucrative, which can lead to more check-ins and more visible attention.
Behavioural cues
Behavioural cues matter too: a diner reading a book, staring at a phone, or avoiding eye contact can be read as someone who wants minimal interaction, even when that is not their intention. Servers also carry emotional labour; they may subconsciously avoid tables that look difficult, ambiguous or unrewarding, and focus instead on those that give clearer or warmer signals.
How to counteract?
After unpacking these biases, the next question becomes how diners can gently counteract them. There are several subtle behavioural shifts that can make a noticeable difference.
Establishing early, friendly contact when seated helps the server register you as approachable. A small smile or simple greeting is often enough to make you memorable.
Making clear, visible signals that you are ready – such as placing a closed menu slightly forward or looking up instead of remaining absorbed in a device – helps break the ‘they’re still deciding’ assumption.
Ordering something early
Light, occasional eye contact works as a non-verbal cue that you are attentive and expecting service. Ordering something early, even just a drink, anchors you in the server’s workflow and ensures you appear in their mental and digital queue.
Warmth and appreciation also matter: brief acknowledgements like a genuine “thank you” can shift you from ‘low reward’ to ‘pleasant interaction’, which changes how often a server checks on you.
Minimising cues that imply you want to be left alone—such as wearing headphones or sitting completely absorbed—can help you stay visible.
Even the choice of seat plays a role; tables hidden in corners or behind barriers are often forgotten simply because they are not in a natural line of sight. Of course, often you don’t get the really choose where you sit.
And if all else fails, a polite request made at the right moment, such as “Whenever you have a moment, could I order?”, resets the dynamic without any confrontation.
Ultimately, the issue is rarely personal. It stems from the structure of restaurant service, the nature of human perception and the practical constraints placed on staff. But understanding these underlying patterns makes it easier to work with them rather than feel slighted by them.
By signalling clearly, engaging lightly and positioning yourself within the server’s natural workflow, you can overcome many of the biases that cause diners – especially solo ones – to be overlooked.
So?
While the research and a conversation with AI didn’t really deliver groundbreaking insights, it gives some practical tips.
They give us mixed feelings. On one hand, it shouldn’t matter how you dress and what your wallflower level is. And sometimes you need more time to decide which (opening) drink you want to order. Because you’re undecided or because you’re talking too much and haven’t looked at the menu.
On the other hand, that’s how the world is. Working with customers ourselves, we’re not immune to signals, vibes and attitudes.
So maybe, we can dress up a bit more, and be more proactive. It’s not how we naturally are, but it’s worth a try.
Previous end-of-year and new year’s insights
- 2025: Overtourism overdose?.
- 2024: Rising prices affect travel plans and vacation activities.
- 2023: Coping with staff shortages and strikes.
- 2022: Continuation or progress?.
- 2021 a fresh start or a transition year?.
- This was 2020: COVID-19 and a myriad of coronavirus countermeasures.
- 2020: near, far, where-ever we are.
- Onwards to 2019.
- Sharing our travel experiences trip by trip.
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